These were the dudes who would chase you off their property with a shotgun, if they had one, or a mangy old mutt if they didn't. Raised fists and threats of bodily harm were common, as were the swear words. Should you have the extreme bad luck to lose your kickball over their fence, you either kissed it goodbye or drew straws to see who would attempt to retrieve it. The curmudgeon came in both sexes, of course - it was both frightening and entertaining to be threatened with death from a little old lady spouting epithets in Italian or Czechoslovakian or French.
Every neighborhood had one, or two, or seven, so there was no dearth of curmudgeonliness in Fairfield, and we knew precisely which houses to beware of and avoid. We thought they were a million years old; they likely ranged in age from 50s to their 90s (Old Man Kratky lived to 99!) and as I am now looking the big 5-0 right in the eye, come January, I have gained a certain sympathy for and appreciation of curmudgeons. I found this whilst looking for a proper definition:
"A curmudgeon's reputation for malevolence is undeserved. They're neither warped nor evil at heart. They don't hate mankind, just mankind's absurdities. They're just as sensitive and soft-hearted as the next guy, but they hide their vulnerability beneath a crust of misanthropy. They ease the pain by turning hurt into humor. . . . . . They attack maudlinism because it devalues genuine sentiment. . . . . . Nature, having failed to equip them with a servicable denial mechanism, has endowed them with astute perception and sly wit.
Curmudgeons are mockers and debunkers whose bitterness is a symptom rather than a disease. They can't compromise their standards and can't manage the suspension of disbelief necessary for feigned cheerfulness. Their awareness is a curse.
Perhaps curmudgeons have gotten a bad rap in the same way that the messenger is blamed for the message: They have the temerity to comment on the human condition without apology. They not only refuse to applaud mediocrity, they howl it down with morose glee. Their versions of the truth unsettle us, and we hold it against them, even though they soften it with humor."
- JON WINOKUR
OK, they don't always "soften it with humor" - few in my experience did, at any rate. But the more I see of the human condition, the more curmudgeonly I am becoming myself. A prime example of a current curmudgeon would be the great comedian and social commentarist (that's my word) Jon Stewart. I guess, if you subscribe to their hate-filled venom, Ann Coulter/Bill O'Reilly/Rush Limbaugh would fall under the same category. Personally, I think they're all idiots but that's just me. And a couple million other people whose heads are screwed on straight.
So when we curse that distracted driver whose actions are threatening life and limb, or ridicule the Tea Party candidates' claims of 'returning America to its roots', or repost the article in the New York Times which provides confirmation of what we've suspected to be true all along, we are honoring and channelling our inner curmudgeons.
More curmudgeonliness, please!
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